When the Moment Comes . . . .

When the moment comes and the situation arises . . . .
do you wait for yourself to finish processing all the pros and cons that accompany the decision before you act?
do you jump before you can see the landing pad?
do you think about today or tomorrow?

Where I'm At

The moon, a welcome watchlight to those returning home, looms warmly over the horizon as the radio softly plays a familiar melody. Despite the ethereally tranquil surroundings, I'm bothered by something.

I have reached the conclusion as of late that I allow the current state of relationships to color memories. Recalling some of the most beautiful moments I've had, some of them occured between people who I am still quite close to, others occured between people with whom I've had a falling out with since. This statement alone means little, as I'm surely not the first to experience. But I'm saddened by the fact that things that happened after the original event have cast negative shadows upon the original. Beautiful moments have been discolored and have molded.

And I'm bothered by the fact that, as I drive home alone, I genuinely wish that there was a someone for me to call when I reach my destination. I try so hard to be emboldened, independent, and the sort of person who will achieve her goals regardless of my relationship status, but I miss being "in" a relationship.

("In a relationship." That's such a funny phrase. It almost makes it sound as if it's that simple -- all you do is jump, as in jumping into a puddle, a pond, a lagoon, etc. A deceiving phrase, I think.)

Driving home, I guess I find myself sad that I'm still sad and letting it retroactively affect other things, and I'm sad that I'm not content at the moment.

I want more . . . of everything.
I want a more remarkable life than the one I'm leading right now.
I want to know my friends more deeply.
I want a long-lasting relationship.
I want a fantastic job.
I want to happy with where I'm going in the fall.
I want to know that I'll get where I'm aiming for.

As the clock approaches midnight, most find themselves asleep.
Conversely, I lie awake in my thoughts.

Affirmation Phrase

I'm flipping through my self-meditation book, reading a few of the koans (questions with no true "logical" response meant to disprove logical reasoning, more or less) and such, and I happen to notice an affirmation on one of the pages.

"Affirmation: I accept the world just as it is."

What the hell?

To accept the world just as it is is to give up on humanity. Our world faces tremendous amounts of poverty and inhumanity. People are dying as I type because they believe in God, because they question tyrannical governments, because they see something better for themselves. So many people are on the breaking point -- their concerns are so much more imminent than my selfish desires, and to accept the world for what is it is is to condone those who have forced a way of life upon them.

What are we doing?

Are we really approving of ignorance? Is that what we aspire to, to accept what we feel cannot be changed?

Granted, some things can't be changed. I cannot, for example, move the moon a little closer to Earth, or telepathically tell a goat that it needs to produce more milk. No can do.

But to consciously give up on change . . . I cann't accept that. I just can't.

What are we doing?

Work

During the past week, I've had discussions with both my sister and a close friend of mine regarding whether women ought to stay home with their children or continue to work. Both concurred that women should stay home until their children are 10-12 and able to watch themselves, but to my surprise, I found that I had a different take on the issue -- I hate to say it, but my kids, whomever they wind up being, will probably have things like daycare because I really want to work.

I really, really want to work.

At this point, I practically resent college. I am ready to be out in the world, making my impact. I am at odds with the idea that college hinders me from doing this, internships aside, for the next few years and that grad school will have the same effect.

Not that I've ever contemplated not going to college. College is my means of achieving an end. I understand that more than anything else, but I'm aching to be doing something greater, something larger, something more grandioese.

My eventual goal is to work for some organization like the Department of State, the UN, or WorldBank, but I want to RIGHT NOW.

Ugh. Patience is not one of my virtues.